I need to catch my breath.

That’s what Kara said after a short walk through the outlet mall in Aurora. My mind immediately spiraled. Has the cancer spread to her lungs? Or is it just from being sedentary the past couple of months? Who knows. But her sudden fatigue sent a shockwave through my body. I allowed myself to wallow for a moment because I don’t like our new norm.

My brain wonders if we’ll ever have a “normal” mall trip again. I get mad at myself for being so naïve, for thinking she could do something like this so easily. And then I get mad at myself for that... for doubting her, for underestimating what’s possible. We’re allowed to keep living. We just have to do it differently now, with intention, with care, and with grace for ourselves as we figure it out. We pause on a bench to rest, and soon she’s ready to join her mom in Old Navy. Now I’m the one who can’t breathe. I watch her like a hawk, clinging to her side with the irrational fear that she might collapse at any moment.

We buy her a couple of things, and I convince her to take a break in the car. She eats a slice of pizza and worries that I didn’t buy anything at the mall for myself. But there’s no purchase that could ease the weight on my soul. I don’t want to leave her. I’m content just being near her, while fighting off the slow slide into depression. It’s a constant battle I never asked for.

I feel so much sadness and regret for what will never be and yet, at the same time, immense gratitude for what we still have. It’s hard to live in both places at once.

Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever feel true, lasting joy again. I disassociate a lot. I’ve always loved a good metaphor, especially when I’m trying to ground myself. I’m still learning how to name my feelings, sit in them, express them.

After watching a new episode of You on Netflix, my mind began to picture myself trapped in a similar type of a plexiglass box. In my version, we aren't hidden in a basement, rather we are out in the open, watching the world move around us while I scream from inside.

I resent the motion outside the box. I can’t understand how the world keeps turning.

It’s hard to breathe in here, but we get by okay with the little oxygen that we have. There are small stipples. The wind has to blow just the right way for the bits of fresh air to get through these tiny holes. There’s a little door, too, but it takes a contortionist’s effort to slip through it.

This weekend, we managed to escape the box for a little while.

When Kara’s treatment schedule was adjusted, I got excited because it lined up perfectly with Mary and Joe’s trip. When we left Florida, saying goodbye to them was one of the hardest parts. We made plans to visit when they were next in Naperville, but back in January, we had no idea what spring would hold for us.

By the grace of God, we were able to drive over this weekend to see them at Lisa and John’s house. We shared a wonderful meal, Joe’s famous spaghetti and meatballs, of course. We had a beautiful evening at the table, laughing, talking, just enjoying the great company. Kara was in her glory.

And on Friday, we had really special visitors at home, our Uncle Don and Aunt Carol, are visiting from Florida too. Kara gets a lot of messages, but nothing brings us all around the phone faster than when Uncle Don sends a voice note. His are truly the best of the best. His voice brings us all a kind of comfort we can’t quite put into words.

As we prepare for another round of treatment this Tuesday, I feel incredibly grateful that we were able to take this little road trip and spend time with people who care so deeply. Team Kara, in real life and online is something extraordinary.

Thank you for continuing to follow along.

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If You're New Here

Hi, I’m Alisha, Kara’s sister and biggest advocate. Kara was diagnosed with Stage 4 Triple-Negative Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (TNBC) in December 2024. Her cancer has spread to her bones, liver, and other areas, making this an incredibly difficult and uncertain journey.

Despite it all, Kara’s light still shines so brightly—she’s full of love, giggles, and endless positivity. This blog is where I share updates on her fight, the highs and lows, and the incredible community rallying around her.

Thank you for being here, for your love, support, and prayers. We need them more than ever. 💛 And of course, Go Hawks!

Team Kara Support Fund

Your gift helps cover travel, caregiving, and comfort-related expenses for Kara’s support team. While Kara cannot receive funds directly, your generosity provides the relief and resources we need to keep showing up with love.

https://givebutter.com/teamkara