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I’ve been torn on how I could capture the last day with Kara or if I even needed to. But the story here felt unfinished and something tells me she’d want me to share a little bit. On Tuesday, Jan. 27, I posted a blog telling everyone we were going to transition to hospice care. Six hours after they arrived in our home is when she took her last breath. It’s not what any of us really expected but I will say it’s exactly what we prayed for. From the beginning we asked God to br

Throughout this entire journey, I’ve had a few moments stuck in the back of my head…moments I just knew I would dread having to write the particular words. This is certainly one of them. Today we are transitioning Kara to hospice/comfort care. I’m flooded with all the emotions. But for a change, maybe I’ll start with some positive ones. First, I’m so proud of Kara, of our family and genuinely appreciative of all the people who have been standing and praying for Team Kara. I r

Ohhhh Fridays. Kara loves them. She talks about them all week long. On Thursdays she’s for sure going to tell whoever she talks to: we almost made it! I can’t recall a time when my Friday mornings didn’t begin with her saying: happy Friday, yayyy, we made it through the week! If you ask her why she loves Fridays so much, she’ll just say, I don’t know. And to be honest, I’m not sure either. There’s nothing about her Fridays that are actually different but I think she channels

With Kara’s platelets being so low, we needed to repeat labs on Monday in DeWitt. I also knew she was due for her Xgeva injection but no one had called us yet to schedule it. And if you’ve never had the joy of dealing with this particular shot, here’s the fun part: once insurance approves it, you have to keep getting the monthly injection at the same location. So even if we’re already physically at Genesis in Davenport on the day she’s due, we still have to schedule time to g

I feel like this entire year I’ve been trying to climb a hill and dodging small rocks, but I can see the big boulder at the top of the hill teetering on the edge and I know it’s going to drop on us at any moment. We skipped the Echo this week. Kara just didn’t have the energy to make it out of the house. Hell, most days lately we’re lucky to get three trips to the bathroom in a day. You ask her if she’s okay or feeling off and she says… I’m good! She winces in pain and I try

When I originally started this blog, it was to update alllll the people who are connected to and care for Kara. Now, I find myself writing when I need a place for the grief to land. Today we traveled to Iowa City to get Kara’s “rash” looked at. I first noticed the bumps on Christmas Day. She didn’t complain. She didn’t scratch at them. They were just… there. On December 31, we had an appointment with a nurse practitioner at her oncologist’s office. They didn’t think the bumps

I haven’t felt like writing lately. Sometimes it’s hard to carve out the time (and emotional space) to intentionally confront grief and reflect on what’s happening. But our phones have been pinging with check-ins and it feels like we’re overdue for an update. For those who follow us on Facebook, you know our holidays were not ideal. Our nieces and nephews were down with Influenza B, so Christmas and New Year’s were abnormally quiet. Admittedly, there have been many years wher

We were flooded with messages this week and I am so grateful to everyone who reached out. I apologize for taking a few days before writing an update. Between Kara’s unexpected hospital stay and taking a little time off, I needed a moment to catch up. Kara also had an oncologist appointment on Thursday so I wanted to wait and share a fuller update once we had more information and a plan in place. Kara’s labs improved significantly overnight while she was in the hospital and I

I feel like every day is a chance to morph or shatter and today’s healing culture romanticizes that journey. I don’t feel like I have a choice in who shows up in each moment. All I know is that no matter how defeated I feel or how much my exterior breaks, suddenly there’s a new version of me underneath. It’s like a Russian doll. And I’m pleasantly surprised anything is still appearing at all. Today, I’m glad a new version of me showed up as I walked into the house and heard m

One year (and one day) since her diagnosis. It’s like my life split without warning and I was forced onto a road no one would ever choose. A journey full of bumps, roadblocks and detours. We’ve seen some scary shit along the way and moments of so much beauty, too. It’s like being on a road trip with her that I never want to end but I’d be lying if I said it’s been anything but a miserable vacation. I wanted to write something on this anniversary but I didn’t have the energy t

We made it to Florida. Physically, at least. Mentally… I’m on another planet. I’ve been hesitant to write because I feel like what I’m about to say might disappoint people, or at the very least weigh heavy on you and I never want to be the person who brings darkness to someone else’s day. But here's the raw update from the sunshine state. I keep thinking about the version of me who last stood on this stretch of beach, that girl who didn’t yet know what the next 11 months woul

I can’t remember a year where I wasn’t sitting on our two kitchen counter stools next to Kara during Thanksgiving meal prep. We’ve learned so many cooking lessons from that spot over the years and when Mom gets stressed, Kara is always quick with reassurance, directions and cheerleading her through the next task. Kara is also the designated taste tester. Today, as Mom picked up the turkey to put it in the oven and mentioned how heavy it was, Kara didn’t hesitate: “YOU CAN DO

There’s this social media trend going around: before the rabbit got us. And honestly, the ones I’ve seen are heartbreaking. People sharing the exact moment before life changed in the worst way. When it popped up on my feed last week, I just froze. As I lay in Kara's bed with her, I often stare at the calendar I made her last Christmas, the biggest photo in the collage this month is a picture of Kara and me before the rabbit got us… Festival of Trees Parade Day. And it was a

I’m typically quiet about my relationship, so it feels strange to write about it on Kara’s blog. But in a year where I've shared so much in this space, it didn't feel right to not reflect here on Roger's birthday. In a world that’s always been filled with big emotions and chaos, Roger is the quiet, the calm and the steady. My one requirement for a serious relationship wasn’t small, it meant finding someone who could love Kara and me as a package deal. That’s not an easy ask a

About a month ago, Gretchen reached out to me personally. I was honored that she took an interest in Kara’s story and wanted to interview us for the Quad-City Times. Per usual, my mind raced. First, I had to sit with the emotions of having a story in the paper that I wish wasn’t our story in the first place. It reminded me of when I was salty about designing Team Kara t-shirts because I didn’t want a constant visual reminder that she has cancer and now it’s all I wear. In pri

Hypervigilance is not a new state of being for me. Maybe it’s C-PTSD, being neurospicy, something written in the stars for an empath… or a mix of everything. All I know is that it’s a familiar space and my body often feels trapped in it. It’s literally made me chronically ill, a trip to the Mayo Clinic in my early 30s confirmed fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and the only prescription was essentially to figure out how to calm the f down. Easier said than done… especial

Cooking together has become our quiet way of holding on to normal, a small ritual that reminds us we can still create something comforting even when life feels unpredictable. Kara keeps me moving, I've been keeping the oven warm and together we make it through one Sunday (and one casserole) at a time.

I’ve held strong for every single doctor’s appointment but I lost it for a considerable amount of time this week during a conversation...

Kara got an iPhone for her birthday last November, and while she’s a social butterfly who loves getting messages and calls from so many...

I’m supposed to be in DC this week for the International Downtown Association conference. My boss texted me as he boarded the plane:...