One Week Stronger

A week off from treatment somehow felt like it dragged on forever and flew by at the same time. The stay-at-home order didn’t seem to bother Kara much, but for the rest of us, it was draining—sitting with her illness every day, waiting, hoping, and praying she’d get stronger.

Each day, she showed modest improvements, but as her next treatment date approached, the anxiety crept in. Would her bloodwork say she was ready? And even if it did, what wouldn’t the numbers tell us? She can’t always express her pain or symptoms, and the weight of making decisions for someone who trusts you completely is staggering. I think a lot about parents with young children who have cancer these days. What an absolute mindfuck.

So we watch her like a hawk, analyzing her every move. It’s exhausting but feels necessary right now. She’s been asking so many questions lately, mostly about how she “had the flu.” She brings it up at least 20 times a day, trying to make sense of what happened. It was traumatic for her, and it’s a hard memory to shake for all of us. As she stares at me with those bright, searching eyes, I can feel how much she’s looking to me for reassurance. How much she trusts me. And I’ve never let her down. The thought that I might not be able to keep a promise this time is gut-wrenching.

I do believe the modifications we’ve planned for the next round will make things easier, but this battle is filled with unknowns. I wish I had the answers that would bring her comfort. All I can do is promise her that I’ll be here with her every step of the way and remind her we’re taking this one day at a time. A hard sell, considering I’m saying this to a girl who insists we flip the calendar to the next month a week before it arrives.

She went in for bloodwork on Wednesday and met with her oncologist today to go over the results. Her white blood cell count is climbing, but it’s still not high enough for treatment—plus, some of her other levels aren’t quite where they need to be. Dr. Aggarwal made the call to postpone treatment another week, and honestly, we were relieved. Another week to build her strength, another week to breathe.

Then, in the middle of all this uncertainty, we got a small victory—during her exam, the doctor said the lumps in her breast and lymph nodes were noticeably smaller. A sigh of relief, a moment of reassurance that the first round of this fight wasn’t for nothing.

We talked through more of her symptoms, and she’s starting on medication for acid reflux and a pill to boost her phosphorus levels. Dr. Aggarwal is so thorough and kind—and don’t even get me started on the nurses at Genesis Cancer Care. They showered Kara with gifts today, and their love for her makes me so damn emotional. One day, I hope I have the words to fully express my gratitude for her care team. Right now, I don’t have the time (or energy) to cry. But I’m just so incredibly thankful for the love and light they bring into our world.

As for Kara? She told me she can’t wait to take some time off and sit in her favorite chair. I love that she still finds comfort in that spot, because we’ve been stuck in it a lot lately. We made it through another week.

And in true Kara fashion, she wished every single person she encountered today a Happy Friday. (She knows it’s only Thursday, but Friday is her favorite day of the week.) I can’t imagine a happier patient walking through those halls. I hope her vibrant energy rubs off on everyone who needs it. I know I do.