Red, White & I'm SO Blue.

Every holiday is a total mindfuck for me. They always have been. My hypervigilant brain won’t shut off. It cycles through the emotional complexities of trying to make the most of the moment while simultaneously mourning another year that’s passed. And now, it’s even harder not to get stuck in the layers of it all.

I haven’t posted in a while because it’s been impossible to carve out the time. Summer is my busiest season with work and since Kara’s scan in May showed good response to treatment, we’ve just been heads down, pushing through more rounds of chemo. But the treatment’s been hitting her hard. Her blood counts keep dropping, and we’ve had to reduce her chemo dose. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel discouraging especially after feeling like we finally found a bit of a routine.

We’ve been incredibly lucky to have a homecare nurse come by after treatment to manage the nausea and get fluids in her. With the good scan results and a solid strategy finally in place, it felt like we were ready to kick some ass until her next scan at the end of August. It’s not easy, and it’s not what anyone wants to be doing but we had a plan and a rhythm. And now, it just feels like it’s slipping through our fingers again.

My own emotions have been swinging on a pendulum. Some days, I go to work and feel a deep appreciation for my health and my ability to just be in that day. And then, moments later, I feel the weight of grief for the life I once had. A life I maybe didn’t appreciate enough, despite how hard I tried.

But here we are. It’s July. And every month that passes feels like a feat of survival. I never imagined I could live in this space for six months and counting. But somehow, we’re still here. Still fighting.

And amidst all this, there has been beauty. Kara’s best friend Alexandra gave birth to a baby girl, Halstyn, and Kara got to meet her. Kara LOVES babies. I had prayed so hard that she’d get to hold this one. And just this week, our niece Alexa gave birth to her second child, Arielle Grace. Mom and I were in Chicago for the birth. Kara stayed home with Dad, but I’m hoping she’ll get to meet the baby this weekend. These are the kinds of moments that keep me going. I feel them in my bones.

If you’ve been following this journey, you know I write about milestones. The second Kara was diagnosed, my brain started building a list, things I needed her to make it to. These births were two big ones. The 4th of July was another.

Kara’s been watching River Bandits commercials and shouting “Red, White & Boom!” for weeks. It’s been our tradition for years. I help organize the fireworks and have an incredible spot at Modern Woodmen Park. Kara loves the game, the atmosphere, the people, the fireworks. In the days leading up to it, I ran through every scenario in my head to make it happen. But every version felt risky. Her health is too fragile. I had to make the decision to drop this one off the list. It was heartbreaking. Kara was disappointed, but she accepted it when I said I’d get her a new River Bandits shirt. That night, she had a flare-up and while I hated every minute of it, it confirmed I made the right call.

The next day, our neighborhood had parties and fireworks, and I couldn’t get out of bed. I kept trying to get moving, do some small tasks, then I would just crawl back under the covers. I’m so tired of being the strong one. The responsible one. The one who always has the ideas and answers. I just needed to not be needed for a little while. I wanted to sit by a pool and drink and laugh but I can’t get there emotionally right now. Who knew living those pool days were like winning the lottery? I hope someday that happens for us again.

Eventually, I pulled myself out of bed and went to Kara. She was still hurting, but after some Tylenol and time with a heating pad, she was ready to rally. Honestly, Kara is always ready to rally. Even in the thick of nausea, she talks about seeing her friends, about going out. It’s so hard to know when to follow her lead and when to protect her. We let her decide whether to watch fireworks close to home, and I’m glad we did. That smile of hers… it’s everything.

As we watched the show, I found myself wondering will we ever get to do this again? Will we ever sit together under fireworks like this? The spark, the bang, the beauty, the way it disappears so fast. The darkness that follows is so prominent. But all that light from the show reminded me of all the goodness we’ve found, even in our darkest moments.

There are more milestones I continue to dream about:

• Mailing out wristbands. Kara's been on a mission to send out wristbands to hundreds of people she doesn't get to see on a regular basis. We're trying to work through that list and get thoe sent out soon.

• An Indiana Fever game. But planning a trip feels impossible with how unpredictable her health is.

• Alternating Currents. We have the premiere night of the documentary happening in early August and then the festival itself. Kara wants to stay downtown and we have friends planning to visit during the festival. I pray she gets to do that.

• Iowa football season. It would mean the world to take her to a game.

It’s hard to keep dreaming in the middle of all this. And it’s heartbreaking every time we have to let go of something. But the dreams give us something to reach for. To fight for. To live for.

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If You're New Here

Hi, I’m Alisha, Kara’s sister and biggest advocate. Kara was diagnosed with Stage 4 Triple-Negative Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (TNBC) in December 2024. Her cancer has spread to her bones, liver, and other areas, making this an incredibly difficult and uncertain journey.

Despite it all, Kara’s light still shines so brightly—she’s full of love, giggles, and endless positivity. This blog is where I share updates on her fight, the highs and lows, and the incredible community rallying around her.

Thank you for being here, for your love, support, and prayers. We need them more than ever. 💛 And of course, Go Hawks!

Team Kara Support Fund

Your gift helps cover travel, caregiving, and comfort-related expenses for Kara’s support team. While Kara cannot receive funds directly, your generosity provides the relief and resources we need to keep showing up with love.

https://givebutter.com/teamkara